There are hundreds of books out there! And that makes it all the more difficult to choose which books to read up on when you're becoming a mother. Well, to help you, I will be writing a series of blog posts on what books are the best to read in a particular motherhood topic.
Pregnancy ~ Birth ~ Breastfeeding ~ The Fourth Trimester ~ Weaning ~ Parenting ~ Marriage
It is amazing when you find the one! Falling in love is truly wonderful (read about our crazy love story here)! But then getting married can be such a scary thing if we go into it unprepared. People around us throw out positive and negative comments. Maybe you haven't seen the ideal situation growing up and you are worried that might happen to you. Some say that choosing a spouse is the most important decision in your life but I say choosing your spouse every day is the most important decision. When I went to BYU I studied Family Life Studies because I wanted to become a Marriage Counselor. Although I didn't finish my degree (yet! because I got married, moved to England and started a family) I continuously study my course materials and read everything new that comes out. I grew up with a Spanish mum and an American dad so I saw how culture affected my family. Not only that but my dad suffers from severe mental illness and they still made it work! I draw a lot from their example and from my current situation as well but I heavily depend on the leading researcher in marriage. So here are my top recommendations:
#1 The Seven Principle For Making A Marriage Work by John Gottman PhD
Hands down, the best book for your marriage! John Gottman is an American psychological researcher and clinician who did extensive work over four decades on divorce prediction and marital stability. He followed about 100 couples for 40 years and as a result of what he learned he can predict if a couple will divorce (with a 90% accuracy) within the first 15 minutes of listening to them. Wow! This book is a result of 40 years of study and will give you 7 practical principles that will bullet-proof any marriage or heal some cracks. Gottman spills the truth about happy marriages and how he can predict divorce. He then dives into each principle (love maps, fondness and admiration, turning towards each other, accepting influence, solving problems, overcoming gridlock, and shared meaning). Each chapter ends with activities that will help you and your partner practice that particular principle (I love the activities!). Go read this book! You can thank me later!
#2 And They Were Not Ashamed by Laura M. Brotherson
Intimacy is such an important part of a marriage. It is often not discussed enough between parents and children and so we have to often seek information elsewhere and maybe develop an unhealthy sexual perspective as we grow up to believe it's something mysterious, bad, violent or selfish. Entering a marriage with an unhealthy or unrealistic view about sex can cause lots of damage. The author of this book, Laura Brotherson (a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Certified Sex Therapist) hits all the essential points so that any reader can feel enlighted and excited about intimacy. And because she is a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, she alines this topic with her faith. As members of The Church of Jesus Christ, we believe that the intimacy shared between husband and wife is a sacred, divine and beautiful act. She begins the book by helping us understand how intimacy is a gift that God has given us and wants us to enjoy. She provides a woman's perspective on sexual frustrations and the path towards sexual fulfilment. She goes on and identifies the negative sexual conditioning, inhibitions. and mental barriers that lead to dissatisfaction. Most importantly she talks about intimacy in every aspect (emotional, spiritual and physical). She provides principles and practices that lead to fulfilment. She also includes a chapter on how to teach your children so they can a healthy view of sex. I love this book for so many reasons! Also, as a bonus, her other book Knowing Her Intimately is another great read for husbands!
#3 And Baby Makes Three by John Gottman PhD and Julie Schwartz Gottman PhD
In this book, Dr Gottman writes alongside his wife as they describe the new phase a marriage enters when a baby comes along. As it says on the cover, this is the official book for their Bring Baby Home program. Now not everyone has time to take a program but this book is the next best thing! Unlike his Seven Principles book, Dr Gottman talks about the major areas of marriage is affected by a baby and how couples can overcome those challenges. He starts off by reminding us that we are on the same team and how we can delight in our baby. Then he dedicates several chapters on how to improve tough situations (cooling down, soft start-ups, accepting influence, self-soothing, compromising and repairing). He continues by explaining the aftermath of a fight and how we can process it. Then he gets into the lighter subjects of how to increase our friendship, heating up our sex life, and the wonders of fatherhood. Just like in his Seven Principles book, each chapter contains activities on how to practice each topic that was discussed. It is filled with their own life experiences and other couples from their research which make it easy to relate. This book is perfect for any couple to read before and after baby!
#4 The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman
Even though this book isn't as research-based as John Gottman's books, it is a classic! This book opened my eyes to how there is more than one "language" to love/romance. We all give and receive love in different "languages" which sometimes can become a stressor if our partner doesn't speak our "language". Chapman begins by explaining how to keep the love tank full and what falling in love really means. This book helps clarify what each language is (quality time, words of affirmation, receiving gifts, acts of service and physical touch) and how to love in that language. He helps us discover our love language and has a fun quiz in the back! Our primary love language changes overtime so my husband and I frequently retake the quiz so we can understand each other better and fill each other's love tank.
I love reading books on marriage and relationships! There is something so fascinating to me in the working parts of what makes a marriage joyful. I am still reading many books so I will constantly update this list with the best books I read. Along with these books, having a weekly marriage council is important too. A marriage council is where you can sit down with your spouse (we've done it on long car journeys before haha) and talk about the essentials (budgeting, schedules, kids, church, express our gratitude towards each other and talked about our goals so the other spouse can support). We always have such wonderful experiences councilling together and reading these books! Well, hopefully, all that will help you find what you are looking for!
To Read List:
- Fighting For Your Marriage by Howard J. Markman, Scott M. Stanley and Susan L. Blumberg
- The Man's Guide To Women by John Gottman PhD
- Eight Dates by John Gottman PhD
Bought "And They Were Not Ashamed" last night after reading this and now I'm halfway through! Thank you!