Our bodies are absolutely amazing! We not only house a baby within our bodies but help it grow and thrive in the womb and outside. If we were stranded on an island we would require lots of things in order to survive but for a baby all they need is you. Our bodies are made to create and sustain life. It is a beautiful thing (even though it comes with sacrificing our flat stomach, upright boobs and thigh gap)! The shot at motherhood really does feel like winning the lottery when you see this amazing tiny person staring up at you and finding comfort in your body. The bond between you and your baby starts at the beginning when you see the scan photos or feel the first kick but that bond is solidified when this baby, who can't see or hear very well, places their mouth on your breast, feels your warmth and heartbeat, smells and taste your sweet breast milk. That's when they know they made it home.
Well, the start of my breastfeeding story is a bit bumpy. While I was pregnant I studied loads and watched many videos. I grew up around mothers feeding their babies from a bottle and I had never seen a woman breastfeed. So I felt really nervous. My husband and I decided we would breastfeed first because it was free and second because it seemed like a good thing for the baby. I tried to research all I could so I would feel ready for the moment our baby was born and began his breast crawl. Well, it didn't go to plan because James was snatched from me due to me having a general anaesthetic because of my postpartum haemorrhage. When I came back from the operating theatre I was so out of it that every time they told me to remember to breastfeed I'd say yes but then I would forget. Then he developed jaundice. When the midwife eventual came around to help me it was sooooooo painful! Everyone says breastfeeding is the most natural thing. Well it didn't feel like it! And then I needed to self express to give him extra milk. And that hurt even more! Breastfeeding did not sound like the better option... But it really was! I made it through the hard first months and I now there is nothing more natural or beautiful in this world. So let me tell you what I didn't know at the beginning that would have made it better.
How much they love it!
Formula and breastmilk didn't (in my mind) seem like different things. The only difference is that one came from your breast and the other from a bottle. But I was sure that science had advanced enough to make them the same and there was no difference to a baby. I was so wrong! When James developed jaundice he needed not only the milk he could get out of me but more. So every hour after a painful and short breast feed, we would top him up with milk I expressed earlier and a bit of formula (this was the way to flush the jaundice out of his system). We chose to cup feed him my expressed milk first and then give him the formula. This is when our little James really showed me what he loved. As soon as Matt tipped the colostrum (my milk) into his mouth James would finish the cup in seconds whereas when we fed him the formula it would take him ages to finish (maybe up to 10 minutes)! Here I clearly learned how special the milk I produced was. This baby, who could barely communicate, was telling us he wanted what I could only give him. That first milk we produce is the best transition into the world for them. After months of swallowing amniotic fluid our babies love our breastmilk (the colostrum has the same taste and smell of amniotic fluid which helps them feel safe and home). It is the best gift we could give them.
Relax and stop controlling.
Every fibre in my being was anxious when breastfeeding. Was he getting enough? Did I have enough milk? Was that feed long enough? Which breast is empty or full? How many ounces did he take? Is he gaining the weight he needs to? Knowing that my milk was the only thing that he was eating meant it was all up to me if he was gaining weight and getting the nutrients he needed. I would have apps that would record the number and length of feeds. I even started using a notebook. All this seemed to somewhat help my control freak brain. I was so on edge. Why couldn't my boobs just be transparent so I could see what was going on!? Looking back I wish I could tell myself to just relax. Our babies know exactly what they need to grow. Forget about amounts and times. Let your baby lead. Some babies need more and others less, they are all made differently and have different needs. So relax and follow your baby.
Never-ending cluster feeding does end.
Cluster feeding is when your newborn will feed then feed then feed then feed. It almost feels like you can't even rest for 10 minutes! For me it started when I came home from the hospital. It would happen night AND day. I felt so uncomfortable about going out because James was wanting to feed all the time. I felt like I would never get my life back and be able to enjoy the things I did before. Why was this happening!? Well, little did I know James was doing it for two reasons. One, all babies are born with under-developed brains and breast milk is brain (and everything else) food! The more he fed the easier it was to get that rich fat milk in the back. We are always producing milk (our breasts are never empty) so the longer he feeds the more rich milk he could get. Two, James was building up my milk supply. The first 2 weeks is critical in building up your milk supply capacity. The more you limit feeds and the less you feed the more likely your milk supply will be low and you breastfeeding journey won't last long (this is where a pacifier could become a negative thing). So those cluster feeds are the best way of pumping up our milk supply. Try feeding more often during these weeks to make sure you build up your capacity. It's impossible to over feed a breastfed baby (breast milk is so easy to digest so it moves quicker down the digestive track). So when the cluster feeds begin, grab some snacks, get a book or blast through all the seasons of your favourite shows on Netflix. Cluster feeds will end and you will be able to sleep again.
Find Support
It is so important to not be alone. Women have always grown up with a community of mothers to help and support them. In the 21st century, we sometimes find ourselves lacking this community. I did. Living far from both of our families I felt quiet alone. The midwives showed me very well how to breastfeed in the hospital but I still didn't understand much and I felt lost. I soon remembered I had a friend who's mum was a breastfeeding support person. So I contacted her. I started messaging Angelique about my questions and worries. She was so understanding! She heard me and validated me. She video called me and watched me breastfeed. She talked me through what James was doing and what my milk was doing. She helped me understand my body and trust myself and James. She made me feel like I was being a wonderful mother. She gave me the strength to keep going. Throughout the next weeks I felt stronger knowing she was there if I needed anything. I also got a book that was my salvation! La Leche League is an international breastfeeding network that educate and support woman. They have written this book, The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding, to accomplish that purpose. This book is a bible for breastfeeding! It answers everything and explains the ins and outs of breastfeeding. I mean it! Any question you'll ever have is answered here! Also, finding a breastfeeding group is so helpful. I was lucky that I had some friends who had their babies at the same time I had mine so we would get together and breastfeed and talk. You are not alone in this journey so find those around you that can help and strengthen you in your new motherhood.
Pain turns into joy.
At the beginning, James's mouth was so small which meant when he would latch on I was in so much pain! For the first 6 weeks I remember each feed with curling my toes and tears running down my face. It was so hard. I was terrified of James waking up because I would have to feed him again. I could hardly put a bra on because I was so sore. And I could never catch a long enough break to heal! Watching Netflix while I breastfed was the only way I could get my mind off the pain. As soon as James was 6 weeks old breastfeeding became so much easier! I was comfortable feeding in public and without the help of my nursing pillow. I didn't feel any pain or discomfort while feeding anymore. I had made it through the hardest part! From then on breastfeeding became an intimate time between us. I'd watch James's face as he rolled his eyes back with pleasure as he feeds. His hand would touch my breast ever so gently. Peace made its way through his body as he drank. Today he reaches up for my face to touch me (I am breastfeeding as I type this post haha). I truly feel joy as we share these intimate moments together. Now breastfeeding is the most natural thing. One day I know I'll look back and be grateful that I fought hard to continue breastfeeding him. One day he will draw his strength from somewhere else, but right now I can enjoy when he draws it from me.
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